Friday, April 30, 2010

Ka-Tet May Become "Ka-Rap"

*This is where they killed my story.*

Oh my goodness.  Say it's not so.....  I haven't even had my morning coffee yet, and here's what I wake up to.  Ugh.

According to, they're working on a Dark Tower movie (ok, that's cool), but they're going to cram the seven books into a trilogy (that's way it'll all fit!).  Well, since it won't all fit, instead of making two or three or four more movies, and do it right, instead they're thinking that the cool thing to do would be to make the rest as a TV show.  My initial reaction to all of this cannot be repeated on a family-friendly blog.

Ok, ok, I'm settling down, calming down.... *yells at dogs, takes deep breath, does double rhinoceros triangle yoga pose, double-shot of swipe*  Ok, I'm better now.

Maybe there's some hope here.  Let's look at it more closely:
  • They've hired Akiva Goldsman to write the script. With a name like Akiva, there's gotta be some coolness there, right? the article, they say he wrote "A Beautiful Mind," but they're just pushing it because that's all he's won an award for.  Also, he wrote it himself, whereas this will be an adaptation.  So not terribly applicable (also, he wrote "Batman & Robin" [ugh]).  As for adaptations, in chronological order, he's got  "The Client" (that was his first go, and it turned out pretty well....starting out good here), "I, Robot" (ok....Sci-fi action, but I never read the book), "The DaVinci Code" (uh...kinda strayed away from the book a bit, but not bad [most of the blame on Dan Brown]), "I am Legend" (totally strayed away from the book at the end.....that's not a good sign), and "Angels and Demons" (which deviated from the book at every possible turn...while the main plot points were kept, there were so many differences between the book and the movie it was all I could think about oh crap he's going to do this to the Dark Tower too it's all doomed we're all doomed crap crap crap nooooooooooooooooooooooo!)
  • Ahem.  On to the director.  It's Little Opie Cunningham! Now, we all know that he's been tied to many great films, but looking through he's directorial resume, I'm not finding too much sci-fi adventure apart from "Willow" and "Cocoon" (it's about old people who go into space, I hope I'm not giving too much away here).  Of course he also worked with Goldsman on the already-determined-as-crap DaVinci Code and A&D.  At this point I'm too mad to freak out.  I'm just going to bottle up my anger and have a double double heart attack AND stroke at the ripe old age of 15 minutes from now.
  • But wait, there's more.  Brian Grazer.  Don't even get me started on Brian Grazer.  The guy is so hit-and-miss with his productions that there are too many variables to take into account.  And you just can't trust a guy with hair like that.  Oh, but did I mention that he was also the producer for .....  you guessed it! DaVinci Code and A&D. *dry heave* 
With this lineup, these movies are going to blow chunks.  Any hopes for the TV Series to save it? 


Look, I'm not trying to be pessimistic about this, but think about it.  Has there ever been a TV show based upon a Stephen King story that was successful?  The only one that had any promise was Kingdom Hospital, which was written by King specifically for TV, and was too odd for the general public, and thus was cancelled.  The mini-series have all looked like junk, and have been poorly acted, as well as poorly produced.  Therefore there is no way that the TV Series would be a good idea (unless it was an HBO production, in which case it might have a slim chance).

OK, that's enough.  I'm off to bang my head on a wall for 45 minutes until the images of Tom Hanks as Roland Deschain disappear.


  1. Are you kidding me? I finally come up with a great (if I say so myself) post that has images, relevant links, and an defended yet arguable position, and the only response I get is "You know yoga?"!?!
    *does reverse Gumby ashanti to center my anger*

  2. I thought it was funny. You come up with a great (if you say so yourself) post with images, links, etc and my only response is "You know Yoga?" Funny (if I do say so myself).
    Anyway, the idea of a Dark Tower movie series does scare me a bit. It's like the girl in high school that you had a big crush on and at your 10 year reunion she agrees to go out with you - only to find out she has two kids, $45,000 in credit card bills and herpes.
    Also, I will miss the campfire conversation about which actor will play which part in a movie that will never exist.

  3. I agree it was funny. I thought it was funny to over-react to your funny. Apparently, I over-funnied it.

    So to end this side-track once and for all:
    Yes, I know Yoga. He's a bear, right?

  4. wow, so how do you really feel? Maybe it won't suck so bad if you watch it on your ipod (lol). Do things suck less in smaller packages?

  5. @Kilzer - Amen. Did you read the article? King sold J.J. Abrams the development rights for $19! How cool is that! You know he's the right guy for the job. Stupid studio exec idiots can't come to terms with him though. Jerkwads, all of them.

    @Jennifer - There's a comment in here somewhere about Paul's package...but I'm not touching it! (double HA HA!)

  6. I'm telling Paul you said that. I'm sure he'll be relieved your not touching "it". Then he'll come up with a reply that will be both shocking and cause much blushing.

  7. Nah, Paul's afraid of the internet. He'll never post anything here.